To be honest... I only want to make TI:ME for a few things and a few people. I'm not in the mood to talk majority of the day, everything seems so fake and I've withdrawn myself from it all.
I'm in a new season with God, I can feel it. A lot of things are different from this TI:ME last year. However, I feel like I'm stuck in a cycle. It's hard trying to follow God because I want to live my LIFE my own way, outside of what God wants. Don't get me wrong, I want to do it his way as well and that's where the cycle happens. I feel God Calling me to rest but I don't want to rest, I'm trying to grind and travel around doing shows and be turnt. When you want something that God doesn't want, it won't work out. On top of, actually trying to be more like Jesus, avoid distractions, show love and be attentive to my community (my family and friends), read my Bible, write in my journal, workout, eat clean - I have to deal with principalities trying to go against all of that. Whether I'm doing it my way or God's way, the principalities are there - just stronger when I don't do it God's way. So I've withdrawn from everybody, I left social media and I'm being very particular in who I talk to. That sounds like self love, putting yourself first - however, my problem is I'm doing it to God as well.
I just want everybody out of my way so I can get to where God is calling me to, the more I feel people are in my way, I withdraw even more. In this "rest" that's not really rest at all, it's more of a preparation stage. God is transforming me, I want to be like Jesus AND that comes with a lot of preparation. God is working with my on patience, arrogance, pride and needing people. I don't even know where I'm going, God has the destination and I'm still driving 1,000mph trying to there. God slows me down and now my arrogance flares up and I'm being prideful towards God.
(a space where I'll use to further explain something that's already happened or something I've already said):
a few days ago I was locked out of my car and that brought out of me some anger I had been holding in from God. I was talking to God crazyyyyyyyy, just mad. I've repented and talked with him about it, I'm not proud of it at all, ironically. God gives us the space to lament, I HATE lamenting because I'll take it too far with somebody when I'm mad - I don't want to go there with God out of respect. It feels weird because I know he loves me and at the same TI:ME it's not easy being on God's TI:ME and when things don't work how I feel they should on God's timing, I want to convert back to my own understanding. All my LIFE I've been made to feel incomplete and unworthy of anything. God's way is very triggering for me to revert to my own understanding, I'm honest with God about that and I'm still going to follow his way.
I've been very prideful towards God without even knowing it. I'm withdrawing from people because I don't want to live my LIFE needing people. I want to help as many people as I can but I don't want to have to ask anybody for anything. God has brought to my attention that thinking like that (deep inside my heart) is very arrogant because nobody can not need anybody. Psalm 44:21 says, God knows the secrets of every heart and deep in my heart, living through my own understand or living LIFE on my own terms really means I dont want to need God, just as well as everybody else. I love God, I want to keep serving God, I want to be like his Son and help the Kingdom flourish. I just don't like asking people for stuff. I've never felt like I could just depend on anybody, I've been raising myself since I was around 8yrs old. I'm used to having to figure things out on my own. Yeah I needed love, I wanted support and praise but I never got it. Not like how I wanted. So I built up a big wall of haughtiness because I DONT NEED ANYBODY!!!!! Anytime anything doesn't workout how I need it, I add a few bricks. I hate asking people for stuff, had I grown up differently that may not be the case, so I hate it. People can say no, they can throw it in your face, they can manipulate you - working in my own ability works for me... or not, now. I want to live my LIFE in full dependence on God, truth be told, I can't survive a day without him. That need of depending on God is cool until it's not when I want or what I want, then it never fails to revert to my own way. The Holy Spirit is tearing me up, ripping the arrogance out of me. I hate that I'm arrogant because God hates arrogant people. I'm glad he understands my heart and can see I'm trying to be like him. I want to do it my own way AND I still do it his way. Some situations take longer but I'm going above myself and what I want to glorify God and grow my relationship with him.
The title of the painting made me think of this entry. My artwork is real, I'm putting vulnerability into the brushstrokes. I do feel God is calling me to speak about this stuff more, I plan to use my blog for long form writing and my YouTube for long form videos. So I'm looking forward to being back on my blog after almost 8yrs.
Grace and Peace,
"A TI:ME 4 Everything" by See Drye
Acrylic on canvas
Not for sale