Or at least I'm trying to. I rarely see people talk about how difficult it can be to follow God. This idea of Jesus being a genie is far from true. Truth is, your whole life can get flipped upside down after you answer a call from God.
To the unbeliever that can seem unfair, even to some believers. I now understand why that's the case, it's a process of transformation that has to occur. We go through LIFE following our own desires and living for ourselves, that conflicts with God's purpose for us. I've been on this journey of trying to be more like Jesus for about a year now, intentionally, actually seeking his purpose for my LIFE. Obviously I'm an artist and I've been doing art for years now, I've served God the entire TI:ME and now, I glorify God through my art. I'm learning that our talents that God gives us, are supposed to be used to glorify (worship) God. To me it's dope that when I'm painting, designing, teaching or serving... I'm glorifying God.
I had an idea of how I wanted to live my LIFE and how I wanted to leverage my art career after I left St. Monica's Rec Center, September 2021. You couldn't tell me my plan wasn't going to happen... then God came in LOL. My career has gone nothing like I'd planned at all, however, it's going better. That transformation process I stated earlier, I'm still in it because I can feel my way and God's way battling. Everything I've done since leaving my job, has been very intentional and dope. I'm grateful to learn how to go about doing my art career, inside the will of God AND I still want to do it my way LOL. God's timing is PERFECT but weighed against my flesh, it's slow. I feel God is slowing my LIFE down drastically! I'm trying to speed to the next level and he's in control of that whole process, yet I still try to speed past him.
It's very hard following and trying to be like Jesus. I'm working on letting my will go and fully trusting his.
A huge part of me still doesn't want to let God have control. Soon as I let go, something happens wayyyyy out of my control and I don't like the fact that I have to depend on him to fix it - I want to fix my own LIFE. Since 10yrs of age, that's what I did. I've always had to figure things out for myself. If something doesn't work, cool, I'll figure out another way. I want to help as many people as I can but I don't want to need help. I honestly feel stupid when I have to ask people for anything; I don't want to have to ask you for the TI:ME. God doesn't like that at all. Two thing that God HATES is arrogance and pride.
Everybody always talking about God told them something and who are we to argue with that, right? Personally, I say, "I feel the Holy Spirit telling me this..." I try not to say, "God said" until I can confirm it through someone else. God doesn't always speak crystal clear - I know I want him to but sometimes it may just be my own flesh talking. However, what I'm about to say is confirmed and every believer in Christ can vouch.
I was at church at Missio Dei this summer, pastor Kurt was killing this particular sermon apart of the book of Ruth series. He was emphasizing the fact we need people, we need community and we can't live our lives by ourselves. How I feel about not wanting help, I've felt this way my whole LIFE. I'm very serious about my stance on it, very orideful and very dedicated towards it. After this particular sermon, GOD SAID, "it's arrogant to think you don't need help and it's arrogant to not need me." That ricocheted through my spirit uncomfortably, I must add. He's right...like always. I still don't want help though! Growing up, people would throw it back in my face, constantly bring up the fact they've helped me, made me feel bad for needing help and even talked about me to people and in front of people. So it's tattooed in my heart with the strongest ink to not ask for help. I know God isn't like that, I know that in my heart as well. I just don't care... still. When I have to keep praying about the same thing, I feel like I'm begging God, oddly enough that should be my posture with God- still, it makes me uncomfortable. Everything with God takes TI:ME to go from eternity where he is, to TI:ME (on earth) where we are. However much TI:ME is takes for whatever you're asking for, he has to prepare the situation. That lil process reminds me why I don't like asking for help. I spent my LIFE going after what I felt I needed and now I have to be patience and wait on God. That doesn't always sit well with me at all. I communicate all of this with God, this isn't something hidden in my heart. My communication with God is strong, we constantly talk about this. Safe to safe, I've been getting humbled (since June 2023). He's been breaking me down piece by piece, chiseling away at my arrogance.
God gave me a certain path in LIFE and at times I feel my experience is unfair based on the circumstances I've had to born in. I've been grown since age 10 - really the man of my house, in Winton Terrace with responsibilities. In actuality, it's not unfair at all. Those are just the circumstances God gave me, I'm learning through it all he used it to get me here. My problem is, I've never felt I could fully depend on someone out of love. Everything came with a catch, a price or manipulation. I've lived my entire LIFE feeling I wasnt love, I couldn't ask for help and I wasn't valued, all based off the circumstances he gave me. Now at 34, you're telling me to fully trust God and that he loves me - it doesn't sit well with me. I don't feel loved now and I don't think I'm capable of being loved by anyone. Again, I believe him. God loves us so much that he gave his only begotten son (John 3:16) and I still feel like that doesn't fully apply to me. I see myself as a failure to need anybody, I want to have my LIFE together on my own.
All of this is driving a wedge between God and I. Little by little I'm making steps to humbling myself whole heartedly before him because I'm tired of warring with God. He has all the TI:ME in the world to play war games and I don't. It's no way for me to win against God. Even though all of this is a honest feeling I have, I'm also making steps to work with him and not against him. You never know what's in somebody's heart, they can say anything you want to hear but what's in the heart is the truth. I understand Jeremiah 17:9, the heart is deceitful. What I meant is, anybody can tell you they love you they can smile, do thoughtful things and appear to the world as though they really love you. At the same TI:ME, in their hearts they hate you. The Holy Spirit showed me a few people in my LIFE who feel this way about me, since, I've distanced myself from them. Unless God says so, they will NEVER have that type of access to me again! With man, it's so much B.S. and manipulation going on, it forces me to put a wall up and not want to meet new people. A lot of the "friends" I had weaponized my vulnerability and love. People I really gave my all to did it, not strangers and now I'm extra protective - nobody is getting in and the people who are in, are watched very close. The wall I have up is blocking Jesus from transforming my LIFE and in my own strength I can't take it down, nor do I want to. Jesus meets me at that same "level 50,000" bulletproof glass to give me opportunity to experience his love, unbeknownst to me, he penetrates through. I love being in his presence, the love of Jesus is uncanny. He fully lets me be me when I talk to him, he doesn't judge my response to suffering, he's understanding, he's SUPER funny, he's a real father so I still get in trouble too, he's not a push over - this is El Shaddai I'm talking about (Genesis 17:1) and the more I spend TI:ME with him I can see it clearer. 90-95% of my day is in solitude with him, my day is started in his presence with stillness. It takes TI:ME to fully trust God, accept his love and then serve him. Man would've been cut me off for having these feelings, I'm man - I'm cutting people off right now! God on the other hand, doesn't think like man. Although how I feel goes against God's way, he sees my effort daily to depend on him to help fixate my heart in Jesus. It's not easy at all AND I'm earnestly trying daily. Some days I'm so exhausted from battling my flesh to not stop praying to God and seek his tender love and mercy, EXHAUSTED! Jesus is working, I'm dying daily to work with him.
Grace and peace,